AKA Where the fuck is my Vice article

(CEO’s note: You’ll have to settle for a manga spread and a shot of jack when you’re in town.  -twitch)

Post San Diego Night Market 2018 (where I failed to score any food but hit all the drink specials, that’s another story) at Super Sergio’s I ran into friends who wanted a spicy story. Now, stories are a lot like being funny on command, on the spot you freeze up. This article is the perfect excuse to get a top in on a go to list when this situation happens again.

Story One: Platonic Milking

We were at a friend’s house for his b-day party and we were doing karaoke with my friend who was out drinking for the first time after giving birth to her son. Near the end of the night she complains of chest soreness saying “I’m too full of milk and my son can’t drink this because it’s been less than 8 hours since I’ve had my last drink!”

I lock eyes with my roommate, she looks at me, we make that psychic connection where you agree on entering shenanigans together and I say “we volunteer to empty you out for you!” In the bathroom we end commenting on how it’s sweeter than we imagined, more closer to milk, and that we could taste some alcohol content.

Usually when people ask for the craziest thing I’ve done in my life, my go to answer is to say that I got lit off of breast milk once.

Story Two: Orgywatch

Take the Overwatch characters and cosplay them as lingerie versions and you get Orgywatch. This group cosplay shoot suffered through a chain of events that would happen at an event as large as Anime Expo like people getting lost reaching an offsite venue and starting so late that the sun went down.

This set back wasn’t going to set us back, what would set us back was the fact that even though we were on a private rooftop, we were being AX ratchet and the neighboring buildings did not enjoy the scene we were making and called the security in the building we were standing on top of to kick us out.

We still had a shoot to do and a friend that was another photographer on board offered their hotel suite as a backup location. Coordinating the evacuation after getting photo shoot drunk meant coming up with the brilliant idea to have my sober assistant drive my car while I jumped in the trunk with two of my friends so we can fit all the camera equipment in the car. (It made sense at the time ok?)

Cuddling in the trunk of a moving car was more comfortable than it should of been or maybe the driver was just that much more careful knowing what cargo he was transporting. Anyways I ended up blurting my thoughts by saying “Wow, this is intimate but also nice, do you want to try making out in here?” This is a classic “I don’t know why I say things that shouldn’t work but then they work” moments.

We make it back to the hotel suite safely, just to get kicked out by security again after the spanking spree. Oh to wonder how the night could have ended…

Story Three: A Dead Meme Haunts Me

In the traditional sense, a meme is a mind virus and just like how shingles can reappear after so many years of having the chickenpox, a dead meme can resurface in normal conversation despite being declared dead.

Everytime someone says “Dicks out for Harambe” I have to say “NO, no dicks. You never know when the cops might show up!” You see, you can go from one moment (after moving an entire house party to the roof of your friend’s house) of people sucking on her strap on to someone shouting that old meme and dicks coming out of pants. Then the next thing you know there’s 6 cop cars and a helicopter overhead because the neighbors have complained about rowdiness with a side of indecent exposure.

That’s my go to list for now! If you like it, maybe I can write out more of these stories!

(Now how the hell am I gonna get these drawn out?  Oh man….. -twitch)