My game review criteria – it’s pretty damn simple

I’ve played a ton of games in my life, and I can tell you that I’ve read a lot of corresponding game reviews.  Do I trust ’em?  No.  Like most things, you’ve gotta take what they say with a grain of salt.  Some websites need the whole fuckin’ can of Morton salt.  When it rains it most definitely pours.

I do agree that games these days aren’t too cheap, and most people are loathe to waste their money on a game that sucks.  Fair enough.  That’s the million dollar question right there.  Does the game suck?  And what criteria do you base a game’s “suckage” on?

Sites like IGN, Metacritic, and countless others have their own criteria to judge a game’s suckiness.  I say, “FUCK THAT”.  Besides, you’ve got other factors like advertisement, time constraints, and player bias clouding the review (that shit can’t be helped, really).

Here’s my criteria for a game.

IS IT FUN?  It’s a simple question that requires one of two answers.  Yes, or no.

YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS!

YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS!

Let’s be real, we all play videogames, watch anime, or read comics because we’re bored and we need something to pass the time.  Fuck the bullshit, if the game is fun, we’ll let you know.  Real talk.

-twitchy

Metal Gear Sunrising…Good Morning!

Freddie Wong. We all know who he is, we all know what he does, and we all love him. If you don’t know..shame on you (and you call yourself a nerd.)

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GOOD MORNING! waddup’ doe! some of you are starting your morning routines. and the rest of you are still asleep…lucky bastards.

Have you ever wondered what some of your favorite video game characters would do if they really existed? I’ve always wondered what Bubsy the Bobcat did in the morning…like, did he wake up and make shitty video games and beat up on Aliens that stole his balls of yarn, or did he also brush his teeth and use a men’s facial cleanser to exfoliate his skin like I do…anyway.

In this video Metal Gear’s Raiden meets Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale in American Psycho) in this showcase of slick CG wizardry with a fairly well-matched voiceover. The Certified YouTube star still manages to impress and entertain with his ongoing pillaging of video game culture and mastery of special effects software. Just when I think I’ve had enough videos showing just how hilarious it is when the constraints of a game character are brought to the fore by placing them in real-life situations, he drops this gem.

SSB vs. Metal Gear Rising Revengeance

Raiden, I am sorry for all those mean things I said about you 10 years ago.  I didn't mean it, really.

Raiden, I am sorry for all those mean things I said about you 10 years ago. I didn’t mean it, really.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is my completely unbiased review of Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance.

Graphics – Ninja/10 HOLY FUCK i JUST CUT SOME DUDE IN HALF AND I CAN SEE ALL THE BLOOD AND I’M TAKING OUT HIS SPINE THIS IS AWESOME

Gameplay – Severed Limbs/10 DUDE I JUST CHOPPED OFF SOMEONE’S SPINE HOLY SHIT THIS BRILLIANT FUUUUUUUUCK

Audio – RAWK GUITARS/10 THE NU ROCK METAL STUFF IS LEGIT AND IT GETS ME HYPED TO CUT SHIT IN HALF

OVERALL – RAIDEN/10 RAIDEN JUST FUCKING CHOPPED A METAL GEAR RAY IN HALF AFTER RUNNING ON RAY’S MISSILES TOWARDS IT AND THEN HE RAN DOWN A FUCKING COLLAPSING BUILDING!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THIS SHIT IS BRILLIANT